Understanding Your Values & Letting Go of What You Can’t Control
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
I’ve always loved the serenity prayer, but it wasn’t until I started coaching that I really understood the depth of wisdom packed into those words. It’s one of those things that sounds great in theory, but actually living by it? That’s a whole different story.
The truth is, we cannot change other people. We can’t control their actions, their reactions, or how they show up in the world. And yet, so many of us (myself included!) have wasted so much time and energy trying.
What we can change, though, is ourselves—our reactions, our responses, and the way we choose to engage with the world around us. That’s where our real power lies.
Letting Go of Control
There are countless moments in life when we wish someone else would behave differently—be more understanding, more kind, more self-aware. But the reality is, no amount of wishing (or frustration) will make that happen.
Instead, what does make a difference is shifting our focus inward. When we change the way we show up, others may adjust in response… or they may not. Either way, their actions are out of our hands. The only thing we can control is how we choose to react.
Why Do Other People’s Actions Affect Us So Much? Understanding Values
If you’re struggling with someone’s behavior—maybe a friend, partner, or colleague—one helpful thing to do is pause and ask why it’s bothering you so much. More often than not, it’s because one of your core values is being challenged.
Values are the deep-seated beliefs that shape how we see the world and guide our decisions. They influence what we find meaningful, what we prioritise, and what makes us feel uncomfortable or upset. When someone acts in a way that clashes with our values, it can feel really frustrating or even hurtful.
Examples of Common Values
Here are some examples of values that people often hold:
Honesty – You value truth and transparency, so dishonesty or secrecy might really bother you.
Respect – You believe in treating others with kindness and fairness, so disrespectful behavior may feel especially triggering.
Loyalty – You value deep, committed relationships, so if a friend is flaky or unreliable, it might hurt more than it would for someone else.
Independence – You need personal freedom, so controlling or overbearing people might feel suffocating to you.
Growth & Learning – You’re always looking to evolve, so being around people who resist change might be frustrating.
Kindness & Compassion – You believe in empathy and caring for others, so witnessing cruelty or indifference might deeply upset you.
How Understanding Values Can Help
When we take the time to understand why a situation is affecting us, we gain clarity on what we actually need. Instead of just feeling irritated or upset, we can ask:
What value of mine is being challenged here?
What do I need to do to honor my values while still accepting that I can’t control others?
For example, if honesty is a core value for you and a friend has been dishonest, you might decide that you need to communicate your feelings or set a boundary with them. If respect is important to you and someone keeps dismissing your opinions, you might recognize that this relationship isn’t aligned with what you need.
Final Thoughts
At the end of the day, peace comes from knowing what’s yours to carry and what isn’t. When we stop trying to change the things (or people) that are beyond our control, we free up so much energy to focus on what we can shift—our own mindset, our own choices, our own happiness.
And that’s where the real magic happens. 💛